Wednesday, December 28, 2011

This changes everything I am.

Something happened about a week ago that made me really sad.
On the surface, it probably didn't look like much,
but my heart was tender about this thing, and when it happened, 
it just hurt.
Quite a lot.

You know the kind of thing I'm talking about.
No one did anything wrong.
There wasn't any sin involved,
on their part or mine,
nothing that needed to be confronted.

It just stung.
And it was the kind of thing that Satan
would love to use to divide relationships,
to allow bitterness to grow,
to render me useless in the work God has put before me.

And instead of actually dealing with what was going on in my heart when it happened,
I made the mistake of just pushing it to the side.
Pretending like it would go away.
And really, it kind of did.
Go away, I mean.

Except today I saw something on Facebook that reminded me,
and the hurt came back,
and the desire to just pull away from the ones associated with that hurt.

Dan has the kids at his parents his this morning,
so I had some time and space to be quiet and still with God.
And I just told him that I thought actually forgiving was a bit beyond me.
That I'd rather just pretend like it hadn't happened or brush it under the rug.

His kindess led me to repentance of that.
So I told him that I want to forgive like He does,
that I want to respond with grace and mercy,
but that somehow I just can't right now.

And then I turned on the ipod and got in the car to run an errand,
and this came on:

Sacred Pages (John Waller)
This earth is crammed with Heaven
And every common bush
Is blazing with the fire of God

But only he who sees
Removes unworthy shoes
To realize it's holy ground

And I’m standing on the Rock of Ages
I’m basking in miracles
I stand on sacred pages
And this changes everything
Everything I am

This changes everything I am

I tremble when I wonder
How many times You call my name
But only he who hears will turn to You

And I’m driven by a vision
Of countless men who long for God
But only he who dies will live in You

Singing Rock of Ages cleft for me
Let me hide myself in Thee
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand

It changes everything I am
On this Rock where I stand
On this Rock I stand

The Rock of Ages changes everything I am.
I want to see, to hear, to die.

On my own,
I'm bitter 
and selfish
and unable to forgive
or extend grace.

When I stand on the sacred pages of Scripture,
the ones that tell me I can die to myself
and live for Christ,
that I can hear His voice and respond,
that I am standing on Holy ground,
that there is a hiding place,
that I am basking in miracles - 

one of them being that I can truly forgive.
Not on my own power,
or because someone deserves it,
or because it's the "right thing" to do.
No, no.
Because I cling to the Rock of Ages, cleft for me....
because He lets me hide in Him.

When will I learn?
When will I stop trying to do it on my own
and just surrender to Him and let Him do the work in me that I can't do in myself?

I feel more free this morning than I have in a week.

He changes everything I am.
Thank God.

Posted by my dear friend Dustin Scott today:
‎"When you have tasted the grace of the gospel, no relationship, no matter how wrong or hurtful or annoying, looks the same to you. You'll see yourself as 1st - sinner, & 2nd - sinned against, and when that happens, your entire disposition toward others' offenses toward you will change. The clearest mark of God's grace in your life is a generous spirit toward others." ~ "Gospel" by JD Greear
You think God is speaking to me today about this or WHAT?!

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